beingbeaple

There’s so much reason for me to celebrate in tonight’s edition of beingbeaple but I just can’t bring myself to be all happy happy joy joy when I feel so ripped out inside. I mean, why does he have this uncontrollable urge to make me feel bad? Does he do it out of pure spite? Does he do it as a challenge to me to see if I’d crack out under the pressure?

Why does he always shove it in front of my face that he’s truly, madly, deeply in love with her? It’s not as if I don’t know he cares for her and he carries her stuff for her and he waits for her and all that other romantic crap. For the past month, I’ve been having the time of my life: It doesn’t really matter much if she likes him cause she has a boyfriend anyway, and recently, he hasn’t shown much interest in her. In fact, we were actually already on speaking terms when all of a sudden the subject of her pops up and viola, my day is ruined.

Of course, if I’d blame him for ruining my mood he’d just say it was my fault I felt bad. After all, he believes that no one can influence the way you feel but yourself. True, there’s a point in that argument. Still, can’t he give it a rest for once and just SHUT THE F*** UP ABOUT THAT???

Oh, and don’t think I meant fish when I said that.

It might be my fault our friendship has resulted in this but isn’t it obvious our link has long ago been gone? To hell I care if he doesn’t give a da** about me! But why must he torture my heart so????

Okay, okay. I’m exagerrating. He didn’t even say it was her. He just said I can’t leave her behind. He didn’t really say it was her.

But still, I have a gut feeling he hasn’t really given up on her yet. I have a feeling he only stopped pursuing her because she asked him to, because she told him he had no chance with her. Actually, I think she doesn’t want to hurt me - that’s why she told him to back off. (I can’t be less than grateful for that - another profession of undying love will drive me to jump off Gaisano Mall.) But deep inside that friggin’ fool’s insides I can sense he still likes her very much. Now, he’s checking if I’m fine with the idea of him being with her, so he can say to her I’m fine with the idea already, and so he can go back to running after her the way a starving dog chases the person holding the food bowl.

Eew. Am I really that pitiful?

It’s a far cry from a plausible theory but I sort of feel better trying to convince myself I have a reason to hate him. I feel better knowing he’s done me wrong and I have a right to be mad at him. Evil, I know, but that’s just the way it is. It still fascinates me how that man - as he chose to call himself this morning - can be so intelligent and insanely insensitive and irritating and irksome at the same time. Even so, for some unexplainable reason caused by the improper alignment of the planets and the stars, I can’t bring myself to let him go. Wouldn’t it be better for all of us if I ditched the guy who made me cry and made my heart bleed till it ran out of sunshine?

But no, I have to contend with the fact that I like him, he likes my friend, and he keeps shoving that fact in my face. Oh, cruel cruel world. Why must the Fates be so bloody unkind?

And this goes to show that it doesn’t matter if you qualified for BS Economics in UP Diliman, a much-anticipated event you’ve been praying for (for) almost two years. Sometimes, even Iskas-to-be are suckers and idiots when it comes to the crazy roller coaster ride called L.O.V.E.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 23rd, 2007 at 5:16 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.