beingbeaple

I think it drives us insane. As human beings we are born with the innate advantage (Or is it a disadvantage?) to feel compelled to lead the flock, to excel, to stand out. According to Father Stephen Abuan, who was the presider in our Baccalaureate mass, everyone has insecurities. Whether consciously or unconsciously these insecurities push us to do the things we do. Even if most of us would rather die than admit it at one point in our lives we have probably felt jealous of someone prettier, someone smarter, someone more popular for reasons we cannot fully comprehend or dare to explain - even to ourselves.

Uurgh. After all the years I’ve been studying under a values-based curriculum this is the only conclusion I can come up with???

But no seriously, there is a reason behind every thing, right? My experience, as well as the experiences of the people around me, have triggered this little blog entry of mine. I doubt I’d be able to get my point across to you cause after all I’ve been thinking about this since I was in fifth grade and the answer AND the real question haven’t even hit me yet. But… I dunno, I just feel like whacking this out into the world, hoping this would somehow make me feel better.

I do hope I’m not getting anyone into trouble.

All my life - well, the days I spent with my consciousness anyway - I always felt that I had to compete. No one told me to excel but I always wanted to stand out, to be noticed, to be talked about, to be cared for. People say that my feelings stem from my being an only child; in other words, I’m KSP and selfish outside our house because in my family I’m used to getting all the attention, all the food, EVERYTHING. I hate it actually and I seriously am trying to psychoanalyze myself but to no avail. KSP lang jud ko.

It came to the point that I even became envious of one of my best friends. At first it was just admiration. I admired her for being so tough and emotional at the same time, I admired her for being so cool and sweet, I admired her for standing up for her principles and being popular at the same time. I loved the way everyone gravitated towards her like little moths do to a lamp and I especially appreciated her sense of fun. Then something ticked in my head and blew off a fuse. All of a sudden I found myself feeling as if I had to compete with her.

Upon retrospection I think I actually did try to compete with her. Unconsciously. As expected, I lost. After all, it is HER game, HER style, HER life - not mine. It left me being more confused, more lonely, more torn that before. It’s as if I’m carrying the whole world on my shoulders but there’s a gaping hole inside me. I dunno how to describe it but I feel so….. different. Oooooh, and the song Pilgrim’s Theme says it perfectly: I’m ‘Tired of taking roads someone else designed’….

As a class activity people sent each other letters yesterday. I got only two letters (in our class of thirty-six only two bothered to write for the activity) and those letters made me think back and wonder if I had done the right thing. Was I right in straying away from the people who mattered most because of reasons I thought were right? Was I right in being passive and letting everything just pass by? Was I right in spending Senior year the way I did? As always it pains me to think and I still refuse to reflect upon it until now. Hurts too much.

My advice to all those reading this is to know which things in life matter most. My friends matter a lot to me but now, because of a stupid thing called competition, I think I’m losing them and I highly doubt I can still get them back. My family matters to me but now it seems as if my mother has some sort of heart problem. I miss him and everything that happened within those six months but more than that I miss the friend I used to have in him. What if I actually forgave what he did and buried the hatchet? Would I still be blogging on my own now or would I be jumping with excitement over some barkade gimmick we could have planned out for tomorrow?

Aw shucks, it’s really all too much. My faith is all I have now and I don’t even know if I’m a good Christian. I just want to loved, to be loving and to be lovable. Is that really too much to ask?

I’m so confused. I wish I could talk to him. Or her. Or any of them. But I haven’t even got the guts to dial his number, I don’t even have the dignity to catch her eye anymore and I don’t even know how to behave around them anymore.

Oh, and I think I’m really off my element right now. So ta-taa for now! Care to leave a comment?

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 28th, 2007 at 7:40 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.